


it disappeared from me (from you)

by iPhone



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Romance, sorry - Freeform, this is angsty af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 12:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13636182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iPhone/pseuds/iPhone
Summary: The dust never quite seems to settle. Especially not in the spaces she used to occupy. One-shot.orChloe and Beca find their way back together.





	it disappeared from me (from you)

**Author's Note:**

> Kinda-sorta-maybe canon-compliant. I take some liberties here and there. Basically, I ignore the timeline of PP3, though stuff like record-label-signing and vet school make appearances. Lyrics from 'Saturn' by Sleeping at Last; title from 'To Build a Home' by The Cinematic Orchestra. 
> 
> As a note, sometimes, life sucks. Life pulls you to crazy places. You can’t help it, you just do the best you can. People make shitty decisions.

New York City is huge.

It’s Chloe’s waking thought as she comes to from the remnants of a nightmare that has already faded into the recesses of her mind. The only reminder is the way her fingers are curled tightly – almost painfully – around the edge of her pillow.

New York is huge, so Chloe lives in a small apartment, alone. She opts for a twin bed instead of a double or a queen. She opts for one bedroom instead of two.

Her apartment helps ensure that she can control herself; helps ensure that she is confined lest she thinks of how to fill the spaces that seem to widen every day.

She blinks tiredly against the dulled sunlight streaming through her blinds before twisting to glance at her alarm. The red digits flash at her semi-menacingly – 6:10 AM – as if reminding her that she beat the alarm and that she’s not getting those extra five minutes of sleep.

Her fingers curl as her nightmare thrums through her body. It’s something she’s grown accustomed to, like a reminder that she’s still breathing. Still alive.

A car horn blares noisily outside.

New York City is huge. It’s also unbearably crowded, noisy, and sometimes ugly. But Chloe thrives in the chaos. 

Slipping on her fluffy socks, she pads into the kitchen to flip on her coffee maker and rifle through her fridge for something to eat. She squints at the leftovers and the pre-made breakfast sandwiches that her mother had dropped off during her visit the previous week. She tugs out the milk. 

Her phone starts buzzing in the middle of her banana-slicing. She lazily drops the last chunk of the banana into her bowl of cereal and moves to pick up her phone. Peering at the screen, she sees it's a New York area code, but without a name attached to it. She sets the phone down and resumes her breakfast preparation, but turns in time to see the banana sink beneath the surface of the milk.

Her phone chirps.

 **Aubrey (6:20 AM)  
** _you awake?_

 **Chloe (6:20 AM)  
** _no._

 **Aubrey (6:20 AM)  
** _I hate you. We're still on for lunch?_

Chloe takes her time chewing through her breakfast. On some days she thinks of tuning the world out and just letting her bed swallow her whole because every day that passes feels more and more of a reminder that she can't get rid of memories even if the physical reminders are all but gone. She runs a finger idly across the spotless counter, eyes tracking the movement as she smudges a drop of water across the granite. It swirls, drags, and eventually leaves her finger entirely. She sighs at the sight, thinking about the date - thinking about the month - and how it's just another innocuous day in May. The sun is hot. The city is ugly.

And she wants to dwell - she has, for the past three years - but Aubrey has been the only support she's managed to keep around in this city.

 **Chloe (6:26 AM)**  
_yep!_

She gets ready for the day ahead.

She snatched up the first veterinary school offer after her third senior year. Attending Cornell wasn't really settling by any means, but the whole experience still made her nervous to start over completely. Blessedly, her time at Cornell was filled to the brim with work, school, and ultimately, figuring out how she wanted to spend the rest of her life.

Now, she lives in New York City, works and researches for at the Animal Medical Center, and she thinks her parents are pretty proud of her.

She just tries to make each day work without sinking into self-doubt and the way her memories relentlessly attack her.

The door slams behind her.

(In her mind's eye, she still drags her feet through dust - through the remains of what was there, unable to shake it off.) 

 

* * *

 

_It's the end of her first year of vet school and Chloe just wants to unwind. She thinks about taking her roommates up on their offer to drink, but she quickly scraps the idea because there's a bottle of wine and hers and Beca's Netflix queue waiting. She promised Beca she'd catch up on some of the series that Beca's immersed herself in. Living five hours (by bus. One and a half by plane. Chloe might have researched it.) away from New York City and subsequently, Beca, has been...painful to say the least, but the distance has helped. Chloe doesn't ache to touch her best friend or kiss her or any other inappropriate feelings._

_It's surprising, therefore, that Chloe returns to her apartment to see Beca Mitchell herself sitting outside her door, hunched over laptop, brow furrowed, gigantic headphones over her ears._

_"Beca?" she calls loudly. "Beca, what the hell?"_

_She blinks. Maybe that last final actually did melt her brain._

_Beca looks up and she just lights up. Chloe gapes, even as Beca is launching herself into her arms._

_"I'm so happy to see you," Chloe mumbles, wrapping her arms around Beca. "But what are you doing here? In...in Ithaca? What?" She's confused, like her whole world has just turned upside down. She then takes in Beca's appearance. Disheveled clothes, darkness under her eyes, red in her eyes. "What happened?" she asks, immediately protective, immediately concerned._

_"I - I just missed you," Beca says, though her voice chokes and she hastily moves to swipe at her eyes. "I...Jesse broke up with me."_

_And the walls come crumbling down, leaving Chloe standing amidst the rubble helplessly._

_"Oh," she whispers because that's all she can really say._

 

* * *

 

Chloe sips at her coffee, hoping it'll tide her over until lunch. She knows Aubrey will likely want to go somewhere where they can sit and eat leisurely. She hates Chloe's take-out habits, but it's a habit that Chloe can't quite shake because she's used to the efficiency and comfort.

"Beale, there you are!" It's Barry, her co-worker and previously her supervisor when she did her speciality clinical internship a couple years back. "Did you take a look at this year's batch of intern applications?"

"No, not yet. But I'm sure you did," she says lightly. She saves her document and spins to face him fully.

"Better start looking for your student before all the good ones are snatched up," he teases.

"I'll get right on it," she replies, shaking her head at his good-natured competitiveness. 

"Well, in all seriousness, I heard whispers that they're really working on giving you a head research position."

She pauses. "Really?"

"I mean, I know you're still working on that doctorate, but your work has been pretty impeccable so far." He narrows his eyes at her. "Keener."

"I seem to remember you telling me I wasn't working hard enough when I was a lowly student," Chloe retorts. Her mind is buzzing. "I...thanks for letting me know, though."

"No problem." 

Once alone again, she turns to look at her phone, checking for messages.

 **2125556786 (10:23 AM)  
** _Hey, it's Emily. Junk. Emily Junk. Is this Chloe?_

She reels back from her desk, staring wide-eyed at her phone. 

It's impossible. _How did..._

Her mind digresses to other people who might have her number. Who might be in on this - who might-

"Dr. Beale?" 

"I - uh, hm?" She tries to clear her head.

"Dr. Beale, there's a Professor Harrison from Columbia University to speak with you. Line one. I wasn't sure if you saw the light on the phone." It's a second-year student timidly standing timidly in the doorway. When she continues to stare blankly, the student seems to start sweating on the spot. "It was something about your guest lecture in a couple weeks?"

"Shit," she mutters on her breath. "Yeah," she says in a more casual tone. "Sorry, just spaced out a little. Thanks Derek," she tells him kindly. She clicks into the call. "Hi Doctor Harrison. How are you?" 

By the time lunch comes around, her caffeine is pretty much useless and she feels exhausted. She wanders over to Aubrey's selected lunch spot and settles heavily into the seat across from Aubrey.

"Hey Aubrey," she greets tiredly. 

"I got your message. Ordered the chicken caesar and alfredo." Aubrey peers at her. "What happened? Did something happen at work?"

"I...This is going to sound crazy. I got a message from Emily today," she says, not sure how Aubrey is going to react. "NYC area code too."

Aubrey sips her water before replying. "I know."

Chloe's eyes flick up and she drops her napkin. "You  _know_." 

"Yes, I gave her your number."

"What the  _fuck_?" Chloe doesn't even register Aubrey's wince at her choice of words. "You did what?"

"Chloe, my life didn't just stop even though I wholeheartedly stand behind you. And will continue to do so. Emily just moved to New York to start a new job. She was nervous." 

"Wasn't she in California?"

Aubrey's pause makes her nervous. She's about to question it when Aubrey sighs and puts her spoon down. "You should reply," Aubrey says seriously. "I think it'd be good for you. It's been years since you..." she bites her lip, thinking through her words carefully. "Since you last spoke to Emily," she says quietly. "Emily is..."

"I know," Chloe says shortly. "It's...I'm not ready, okay? And you shouldn't be giving my number out to people who are - who are -" She struggles for words. Instead, she just stabs a piece of chicken. "Jesus, Bree," she mumbles. "I hate you sometimes, you know that right? You can't just force me to cooperate with you."

"I am not forcing you to do anything, Chloe. Seriously. I'm  _not_. And you can hate me all you want, but I promise that I am your friend, first. That means that I care about you, even when you're being completely irrational."

"Me? Irrational? That's rich," she snipes. "I -" she sighs when she sees Aubrey's expression. "Sorry, sorry. I didn't really...I just wasn't expecting it," she says softly.

"I know," Aubrey replies, though it's a little terse. "I know," she repeats, softer. "We all care about you, though."

Chloe knows that. But she also knows that she can't believe every single person who tells her that.

 

* * *

 

_"Well, thanks for helping me," Chloe says lightly. "Even though you spent most of the time complaining about how heavy my stuff is."_

_Beca flips her off from where she's lying spread-eagled on Chloe's couch. Chloe's just about finished moving all her stuff back into her apartment for the new school year after spending the better part of July and a bit of August in New York City with Beca and Fat Amy (mainly Beca)._

_"Same roommates?" Beca asks, shifting so that her legs are resting against the back of the couch and her feet are kicking in the air. Sometimes Chloe wonders if Beca is still a child._

_"Just one. Mina. We're getting a new roommate since Cassandra transferred."_

_"Pity. I liked Cassandra more."_

_Chloe snorts. "You're just upset that Mina was excited that she's taller than you."_

_"Why is that a reason for anybody to gloat?"_

_"I recall you gloating when Flo first joined the Bellas."_

_"I was simply observing," Beca retorts. Her phone buzzes and she struggles to get it out of her pocket from her position. Upon succeeding and seeing it, she groans. "Ugh, it's work. Apparently, I'm going to have to work double shifts next week."_

_"How is work?" Chloe asks, moving from where she's taking books out of her cardboard box. "Aren't you going to...find another job?"_

_Beca sighs noisily. "I'm trying, Chlo." She shifts on the couch so she's sitting upright next to Chloe instead of upside down. "I'm just scared that my stuff still isn't good enough. And rent in New York is kinda expensive, you know."_

_"I know," Chloe says, though the despondent tone Beca's taken makes her heart clench painfully. "I know, Bec." She lets her arm fall around Beca's shoulders, letting her boundaries go for the moment. "If there's anybody who can make it though, it's you."_

_Beca smiles at her, eyes shining. "Me, huh?" She nudges Chloe's side a little. "Thanks."_

_"No, seriously!"_

_"No - I know. You've always been, like, my number one fan, haven't you."_

_Chloe's nose crinkles. "I thought that was Aubrey."_

_"Shh, you're ruining the moment."_

_Chloe laughs. "What moment?"_

_Beca kisses her._

_And Chloe kisses her back because it's instinctive. She curls her fingers around Beca's shoulder a little tighter._

_Then - her mind clips to every wall she's ever built. Every warning she's ever given herself. Every stop sign along the way._

_It makes Chloe reel back almost instantaneously because the first thought that flits through her mind is that Beca's in a relationship._

_Then it occurs to her that no, Beca is not in a relationship. Beca is single. Beca is kissing her - or was kissing her. She's staring at Chloe with a confused expression on her face._

_Chloe coughs, sucking in a quick breath. "I - I'm sorry, I can't," she rushes out. "It's not -"_

_"No, I shouldn't have done that. I'm..." Beca looks at the ground forlornly. It shatters something inside Chloe. "I'm sorry," she says. "I - I should go."_

_Chloe's long exhale echoes around the now-empty apartment._

_She knows what's coming because Beca is consistent in her predictability. Though she loves being right, Chloe hates being right when it comes to Beca, especially when it manifests in this._

_They don't see each other again for almost a year._

 

* * *

  

Later in the day, when she settles back down at her desk to gather her notes for the clinical presentation, she stares contemplatively at her phone, sitting by her bag innocently. She opens Emily's message again and feels something swirl inside her chest.

The message she types comes quickly and naturally.

 **Chloe (1:52 PM)**  
_No, sorry, wrong number._

 

* * *

  _I couldn't help but ask  
_ _For you to say it all again_

* * *

 

_Chloe stumbles onto the fire escape where Beca is hiding out. "You're avoiding me," she accuses._

_Beca takes a long swig of her beer. The sounds of the many New Year's Eve parties echo faintly around them. Above. Below._

_"You have been avoiding me for the past year," Chloe continues, losing control of herself and her words. "You didn't - you didn't let me explain. Or - or talk. You just text your little Beca texts. And..." she trails off, feeling weight evaporate from her shoulders. "I'm sorry," she tries again. She sits heavily next to Beca, resting her back against the brick._

_"I'm in love with you."_

_Chloe chokes on air. "You're what?"_

_Beca blushes, all bravado gone. Chloe can see the tint of pink on her cheeks under the dim street lights. "Nothing," she says quickly._

_Chloe scowls and yanks the bottle out of Beca's hands. She swallows Beca's indignant noise by pressing her lips forcefully against her mouth, taking the opportunity to shove her tongue into Beca's open mouth._

_And for once, Chloe doesn't feel like she's standing in the haze of the ruins around her. It feels like she has some semblance of control and that this could work. This might work._

_"Dude," is all Beca can say, which is entertaining because Beca's in her twenties and as inarticulate as ever. Chloe smiles a little against Beca's lips and kisses her again for good measure._

_"I...have wanted to do that for the past six years," Chloe says, unsure if she's even counting correctly. "Six," she emphasizes. "Jesus Christ."_

_"Should have waited until the countdown so you could make it seven," Beca says offhandedly. It makes Chloe whip her head to stare at her incredulously._

_"You're ridiculous." Chloe cups Beca's cheek. "I was an idiot who let you walk away, just so you know."_

_"I've been an idiot for as long as I've known you," Beca says breezily, though her eyes glisten. "I think I can let it slide. But I...I never want to go so long without talking to you or seeing you again."_

_"Let's work on one thing at a time," Chloe suggests. "How about this?" She kisses Beca tenderly. Lovingly. "By the way - ditto."_

_They've always been unconventional._

_They kiss well into New Year's._

 

* * *

 

_Long distance somehow works for them. It fits them because they're all passion and leaping into each other's arms when they can see each other on weekends. Chloe makes it a point to Skype Beca at least once every couple of days. Beca sends texts - surprisingly long paragraphs - detailing her favourite bartending experiences and whatever mixes she's managed to work on. Chloe loves listening to Beca's demos and encourages her to send it off to producers._

_Beca loves being proud of Chloe even though she has no idea what's going on about 99% of the time. She just continues to call Chloe "doctor" whenever she can and pretty much tells everybody they meet that Chloe attends an Ivy League school. She threatens to throat-punch a belligerent drunk stranger who scoffs and says Cornell is barely an Ivy League next to Columbia._

_Suddenly, it's not long-distance because Chloe moves in with Beca for the summer to start her internship with Animal Medical in the city._

_She loves co-existing with Beca. Being with Beca. Even if Beca is basically a toddler when she doesn't want to do things._

_“Why do I have to…attend?”_

_“Aubrey requested it,” Chloe says, continuing to apply make-up like it’s just another night out. She sighs and turns to face Beca who is still wrapped in her bathrobe and chewing the corner of lip nervously. “Bec?” She moves to stand in front of Beca, gently nudging her knees apart. “Are you nervous? Why?”_

_“Yes,” Beca says petulantly. “Aubrey is going to eat me for dinner.”_

_Chloe gasps, settling further into Beca and grinning when Beca’s hands slide around her waist. “I hope she doesn’t. That would be terribly inappropriate.” She giggles at Beca’s squawk and drapes her arms around Beca’s shoulders. “What are you so nervous about? It’s Aubrey. Christ, Beca.”_

_“She’s gonna…She’s going to yell at me for having a toner,” Beca blurts. She looks horrified at her own words, as if she can’t believe she’s almost thirty and saying something like that. “Aubrey doesn’t like me.”_

_“Aubrey doesn’t like a lot of people,” Chloe replies, straightening her body and tugging Beca up with her. “Come on, you guys are friends. We’re all friends here.”_

_Beca follows Chloe to the vanity and nestles her chin on Chloe’s shoulder, slipping hands around her waist surely. Chloe closes her eyes briefly because sometimes she still can’t believe that Beca touches her with such certainty. She leans back into the embrace and lets Beca’s lips touch her neck lightly. “Are you and I friends?” Beca asks lightly. Teasing._

_“Like Aubrey and I are friends?”_

_Beca scowls at their reflection, eyes flashing. “I sure hope not, dude.”_

_“Well, I guess we’re not friends,” Chloe says lightly. She taps her chin. “What are we?”_

_Beca looks nervous and it makes Chloe pity her momentarily. She turns and cups Beca’s chin, pulling her in for a tender kiss. Beca makes some kind of noise that Chloe is going to tease her about in a few moments, but for the time-being, she just loses herself in the moment, especially since Beca is kissing back confidently and tangling her fingers in Chloe’s freshly brushed hair – and nope, that won’t do. She pulls back._

_“Beca,” Chloe starts, moving her hand to hold Beca’s forearm. “Beca,” she repeats. “You and I are best friends.” She sees Beca’s eyes dim momentarily. “But I’ve been thinking of you as my girlfriend for the last little while. Since New Year’s.”_

_The sheer relief on Beca’s face makes Chloe’s insides twist and she can’t help but kiss her again._

_“You should definitely just ask me to be sure, though,” Chloe mumbles between kisses._

_She can just sense Beca’s eye roll. “Chloe,” she says, leaning back and staring up at Chloe with exaggerated eyes. “Do you want to be my girlfriend?” She grins a little. “Or...whatever. You know.”_

_Chloe scoffs. “Whatever,” she mutters, leaning in to kiss Beca again. “Weirdo.”_

_Beca is laughing through the kiss. “I’m sorry, dude, what was that? A yes?”_

_“I can sing a song about it, if you want,” Chloe chirps, pulling away so she can shove Beca towards the closet. “Get dressed, girlfriend.”_

_Beca fiddles with the sash on her bathrobe. “Wait, are we still going to dinner with Aubrey?”_

_“Yes, dear.”_

_“Ugh.”_   

 

* * *

 

On some days, Chloe thinks she can get by without thinking about Beca. 

On other days, Beca is everywhere. It makes her want sink into her bed, never to emerge.

The Beca-memories manifest in different ways. Today - a couple days after the text from Emily - it manifests in Emily literally appearing at her door. Chloe actually slams the door in Emily's face before she realizes what she's done and slowly opens it again.

"Emily," she breathes out. "Emily?"

"Chloe," Emily says, looking around nervously. "Do you...Can I come in?"

Chloe considers saying no. She thinks about letting her demons enter her safety, but she feels like she's been battling the dust anyway. The memories cling to her no matter what she does. So, she lets Emily in against her better judgement. Also, because she has always had a soft spot for Emily. Emily, who often doesn't know any better and who is loyal and kind.

“Your apartment is nice,” Emily says, looking around. She can see all of it at once and it surprises her - that's obvious to Chloe. It’s smaller than she expects, but she supposes Chloe enjoys the quiet.

When she sits on the stool, Chloe tries not to be rash or impatient, but her leg starts to shake in anticipation and nervousness. “Emily, you’re – you’re here. In New York. In my apartment. Why?”

“I live here,” Emily says slowly. “You knew that, right? Aubrey told me she told you.”

“In my apartment? And since when did you want to live in New York?”

“It’s weird,” Emily says. “I guess…I always felt like I was straggling behind. Mostly because I was always younger than all of you. I knew that a city like New York was made for girls like you and Aubrey and Beca.” Her eyes widen at the expression that crosses Chloe’s face. “I’m so sorry,” she says, fumbling. “I uh –”

Just hearing her name hits Chloe right in the chest.

“Chloe, this is crazy,” she says softly. “It – I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have come.”

“Legacy,” Chloe says, the name rolling off her tongue. “It’s…it’s okay. It’s not your fault, okay? Do you…do you still talk to –” she considers her choices. “Aubrey often? And Amy?”

“Aubrey still scares me a lot…and she was mad at me for a bit after – well.”

“So you’ve been here since…?”

“Um, I’ve been here since November.”

“That’s almost half a year,” Chloe says incredulously. “Aubrey…Aubrey said you only just moved to the city!”

Emily shifts guiltily. “I guess I kind of knew you wouldn’t want to talk to me.” She looks increasingly upset. “I just waited. Bided my time. I did actually start a new job though.”

She sips quietly at her tea, eyes fixated on Chloe. Chloe avoids the intuitiveness of Emily’s eyes and focuses on fiddling with her keys.

“So. New job,” Chloe says, desperate to move the conversation along so she can continue this illusion that everything’s okay. Emily looks surprised at the abrupt conversation starter but goes along with it obligingly. Kindly.

“I’m working at this ad agency in lower Manhattan. Copywriting mainly, but I have some great clients. It’s pretty hush, though,” she says. “I will say that I did get to meet Pharell the other day.”

“I…that’s incredible,” Chloe says genuinely. “I’m so proud of you. I wish I could have supported you more.”

Emily’s eyes start to tear up. “No – It’s really okay, Chloe. I’m having an amazing time and honestly, my time in the Bellas really did help shape my future. I just want everything to be okay again. I should have thought about that when I – ” she exhales loudly and puts her mug down. “I have to be honest with you,” she says firmly.

Chloe grips the edge of the counter.

Emily eyes her warily. “It’s…it is now common knowledge that she moved back to New York about a month and a half ago.”

“She,” Chloe echoes numbly. She feels cold.

Emily pauses. “Beca,” she says slowly.

“Yeah,” Chloe says with a hollow tone, struggling to maintain her calm facade. She didn’t ask for all this to happen in one day. She hates that Emily only means well – has ever only meant well. “God,” she says as she starts to cry openly. “Fuck,” she mutters softly. “I’m crazy, right? Am I pathetic?”

Emily gets up immediately, wringing her hands nervously. “I – uh, should I call Aubrey?”

At Chloe’s incredulous expression, she shakes her head to herself and walks around the kitchen island to gently pull Chloe into a hug.

“I get why you’re still so sad. What Beca…that was fucked up,” Emily says, the cuss slipping from her lips uncomfortably. Like she’s never used it before. She probably hasn’t.

Chloe laughs. It’s watery and bitter and angry. “Shockingly, I think that’s an understatement.”

“She…she’s still my friend too.”

“Christ, Emily,” Chloe says, pulling away. “I’m not asking you to pick sides. I mean, we’re all adults here, aren’t we?” Her tone makes Emily recoil and she instantly feels bad. “It’s…I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“She had reasons.”

Chloe laughs again. She’s told herself this through bouts of self-hatred, self-doubt, and sleepless night. It means nothing to her, not anymore.

 

* * *

 

 _New York is_  hot _in the summer. It makes Chloe want to crawl out of her skin, but then she'd still be subject to the heat. But at least being with Beca makes it more tolerable._

_Like now._

_It only took two weeks of living together._

_Chloe’s heart pounds erratically like it’s trying to jump straight out of her chest and right into Beca’s hands, where it feels like it always has been, anyway._

_Beca is beautiful._

_This is not news to Chloe, of course, but what is_ news _to Chloe is that Beca is currently standing in front of her, unbuttoning her own shirt with shaky hands._

_That makes Chloe take pause. She reaches out to stop Beca’s hands. “Are you sure?” she asks softly. Beca’s eyes glisten at the question._

_“You must think I’m a nerd,” she whispers. Chloe snorts at that, a little too indelicately because Beca looks immediately offended._

_“No,” Chloe says gently. She pulls Beca so she’s straddling her lap. “I think you’re beautiful,” she murmurs, pressing a wet kiss against the underside of Beca’s jaw. “Incredible,” she continues, kissing up to Beca’s ear. Beca shivers. “Aca-awesome,” she finishes, pressing a kiss to the corner of Beca’s mouth._

_“Chloe!” Beca scoffs, shoving her back on the bed so Chloe’s resting on her elbows. An eyebrow arches as she takes in Chloe’s position. Chloe matches the eyebrow with one of her own. It makes Beca lean down, propping her elbows so they’re framing Chloe’s head, then she’s nipping at Chloe’s lip, then sucking lightly. It makes Chloe’s head spin and she lets herself sink further into the bed as her hands wander up Beca’s back._

_“You’re so beautiful,” Beca says in a tone that Chloe has never heard before. “I’ve always thought so.”  When she catches the blush on Chloe’s cheeks, she says, slightly louder, “Look at me.”_

_Chloe does._

_“I want this,” Beca continues, in that same tone that sends a thrill up and down Chloe’s spine. She sucks in a breath, letting it clear her mind. “I’m going to go back to kissing you now,” she says in a fussy tone that makes Chloe laugh, though it turns quickly into a moan when Beca shoves her tongue into her mouth._

_Beca only pauses her increasingly desperate kisses to shrug her shirt off her own shoulders and then move to pull Chloe’s shirt out of her jeans, grunting indelicately when she has to shift away to get it off._

_Chloe tsks. “Impatient. Chill.” She grins up at Beca who is scowling, though the effect is less striking when her hair is tousled, and her lips are swollen. “We’ll get to the love-making,” she says, drawing out the last three syllables in a way that she knows Beca will immediately balk at._

_She’s right. “Dude, don’t call it that!”_

_Chloe takes that as her cue to roll Beca over and take control of the situation before Beca makes an awkward joke in her embarrassment._

_Beca manages to still squeeze in words between Chloe’s kisses (read: attempts to shut her up). “If you – if you ever call it that again – I promise, you will never – take my clothes off again.”_

_“We’ll see,” Chloe teases, reaching down to pop open the button on Beca’s pants. “Are you sure,” she asks again, softer. She presses a gentle kiss to Beca’s lips. “Just tell me, okay?”_

_“I want this,” Beca replies, tightening her hold in Chloe’s hair. “With you. Always with you. Even if you embarrass me during.”_

_“Okay,” Chloe says. “Okay,” she whispers once more, letting the word lose itself in the moment. It doesn’t matter what happened before or what will happen because Chloe will always want to exist in the present with Beca. Only Beca._

_When she graduates the following year - a year of longing, missing each other with a desperation that makes Chloe blush a little - she simply moves in with Beca permanently and that's that._

 

* * *

 

_Their apartment is small, but it's something to call their own._

_Chloe hates the little ugly pieces of furniture Beca buys to decorate, but she eventually grows to admit that they have charm and character, something that she teases Beca about having little of (mainly in the charm department)._

_She learns quickly that Beca is a proud person and doesn't take kindly to handouts, or at least, what she perceives as handouts._

_"What are you doing?" Beca asks one day when she sees Chloe filling in a cheque._

_Chloe jumps because she doesn't expect Beca to be awake, let alone coherent enough to be wandering about. It's a Friday morning and she knows Beca had a late night at the bar as well as her internship at the record label._

_"Um, nothing," Chloe says instinctively, though she winces and that makes Beca that much more alert._

_Beca sets her cup of coffee down and picks up the chequebook. Her eyes scan it quickly. "You're...paying the rent," she says softly. "It's my turn to pay the rent," Beca reminds her unnecessarily._

_"Bec, I-"_

_"And you just lied to my face about it."_

_Chloe snatches the chequebook back. "Look, you've been working so many double shifts. I'm so worried about you, okay?" She stands up to cup Beca's cheek, forcing her to make eye contact. "I just wanted this month to be a little easier on you."_

_"Chloe, you...just because you're making more money-"_

_"That is_ not _what this is about," Chloe replies instantly, feeling her face heat. "Bec, you know I don't care about any of that stuff." She fiddles nervously because she can see a flush creeping up Beca's neck, which could mean either anger or embarrassment and she wants neither for her girlfriend. "You bought all the groceries last month and the month before. I just thought -"_

_"Okay, but I didn't buy that many groceries," Beca snaps. "It's not even the same. Don't try it with me, right now, I swear."_

_Beca begins to pace in frustration. Chloe lets her, sighing and settling back in her chair._

_"You just - you didn't even ask," Beca mutters. "So what if I've been working double?"_

_"Beca, that's not -" Chloe feels her stomach clench unpleasantly. "I'm sorry," she whispers. "I shouldn't have done it."_

_Beca stalks into their bedroom and returns with her own chequebook. "I'm writing you a cheque for my half this month. We're splitting this month's rent."_

_"Okay."_

_"Please don't give me handouts," Beca says, quieter._

_Chloe thinks that they aren't handouts. She just loves Beca that much that she doesn't care if she has to sustain them for a little while longer. She has never worried too much about money growing up and through university and she knows Beca hasn't either, though this appears to be more about Beca not wanting to depend on her father or mother any longer because of how distant she is from both. Beca's been making great impressions at her latest internship and Chloe has heard some of the work Beca has produced. She's so ridiculously proud of Beca and she falls more in love every day that Beca lets her talent shine through._

_But Beca is still rigid in her ways; Beca continues to be a little too timid when it comes to networking; Beca continues to need that extra push into submitting her work for consideration._

_"Okay," she repeats, equally quiet._

 

* * *

 

It has become common for Chloe to see Beca everywhere. She thinks she catches glimpses of Beca on her walk to work, sometimes even on commutes to Brooklyn. She even thought she saw Beca in her building, but it was just her elderly neighbour who had stared back at her strangely. 

She only feels safe when she's in her apartment. The knowledge that Beca is inhabiting the same city as her is...startling, to say the least. It makes her jittery.

Chloe nearly drops her thermos when she hears Beca's voice on the radio. She fumbles for her remote and turns up her hi-fi system so she can listen. It's - It's Beca, talking about her latest work, how she's planning on releasing an album within the year, possibly the next. The DJ laughs and jokes with Beca with an ease that Chloe craves because all she remembers is the teasing lilt to Beca's voice and how Beca's hands had felt cupping her face.

The song begins and it's too invasive. Too much. Chloe chokes on air as the music turns to dust. Chloe turns the radio off and scrambles back into bed, trying to force herself to slow her heart.

She calls in sick and the waver in her voice is convincing enough.

 

* * *

  _I tried to write it down  
_ _But I could never find a pen_

* * *

 

Moving back to New York City was a difficult decision. Beca hates moving on principle, but the difficulty of moving to New York is not in the act of moving itself, but rather in a person. She's struggled to keep up with Chloe's life, but she occasionally hears from Emily who hears from Aubrey about Chloe's life and she's so ridiculously proud of her.

She thinks about how hard it had been, changing her phone number after moving to Los Angeles. How odd it had felt to accept an Academy Award instead of a Grammy Award. How people were suddenly scrambling to have her contact information because she had  _succeeded_.

When she first reached out to Aubrey upon moving to back to the city, Aubrey had screamed at her for about twenty minutes straight. She had accepted it, and Aubrey had begrudgingly congratulated her on her successes. She notes that Aubrey is doing well for herself, having swung into law school after giving up on the lodge and retreat space. Beca figured Aubrey made for a fine lawyer because of her argumentative and decisive nature.

"Figures," she says, to which Aubrey glares.

Chloe had lived with Aubrey for a brief period, apparently, which Beca learns from Emily. Emily is the unfortunate go-to messenger. The in-between girl. Though Beca learns that Chloe had frozen Emily out of her life when she found out that Emily had been in good standing and good communication with Beca. It makes Beca ache a little at the thought because she knows how much Chloe loves/had loved Emily.

It's not hard, all in all. Moving to New York again. It's more bearable because she can live comfortably. It's never boring. She settles back into her Bella family and it feels suddenly like a home she'd be willing to stay in for a while.

When Beca agrees to perform at Aubrey's fundraising event, she thinks that she should have known better. But she realizes belatedly that she's always been a glutton for punishment and she probably knew subconsciously what she was getting herself into.

She opts to sing the song that won her an Academy Award as well as another original that she's been working on. She's pleasantly surprised when it's met with rapturous applause and she catches Aubrey's grateful gaze from the crowd.

She tries to ignore the occasional flash of red hair that pops up in her peripheral because it makes her breath catch and heart stutter.

When she meets up with Aubrey later, Aubrey's grip on her arm tells her she's not going to enjoy the next few moments.

And then she sees Chloe.

Chloe, who is standing next to Emily and Stacie and  _smiling_. It rips through Beca like a fucking hurricane and she stumbles back, shaking her head.

“Be a human, Beca…And try breathing,” Aubrey advises unhelpfully – though perhaps not so unhelpfully because Beca registers that she’s trembling with the effort of holding her breath. “And try to not look like you’ve just crapped yourself in public,” Aubrey adds upon seeing Beca’s face.

Beca hopes for the best.

Eventually, Beca’s feet start working again. When she joins the little group, Emily is fiddling nervously with her hands, Stacie looks supremely uncomfortable, and nobody says anything.

“Um, hi,” she says awkwardly.

Aubrey clears her throat, redirecting Beca’s attention. “Chloe, you made it! I’m so happy you came.”

And then –

Beca’s chest constricts painfully because Chloe’s voice floats back into her life, just like that.

“You’ve only reminded me about this every day for the past three weeks.”

It’s light, airy, and makes Beca want to collapse into the ground.

Beca finally looks at Chloe. She expects difference and strangeness and newness, but the feelings that settle inside her chest is just a familiar ache. She recognizes Chloe like it was only yesterday when she last saw her. When she last kissed her. When she last held her.

“Drinks on me,” Aubrey offers. “How about it?”

“I can’t,” Chloe replies quickly, her voice catching nervously.

“Why?” Beca asks, equally quick. All eyes turn to her and she physically takes a tiny step back.

“I have work.” Beca sees Chloe’s throat constrict when she nods as if to reaffirm her own statement.

“Tomorrow’s Saturday,” Emily says. Beca loves her for it and smiles a little, which doesn’t go unnoticed.

When she looks up, Chloe’s eyes are locked on hers. Beca’s smile fades.

“We have a lecture series to prepare for,” Chloe says slowly, gaze dropping. “Great event, Bree.”

Aubrey hugs Chloe then. The sight is so familiar that Beca can’t stop the tiniest of noises from leaving her throat. Thankfully nobody but Stacie notices.  Aubrey is thanking Chloe for coming. “Thank you for coming, Chloe,” she says quietly, pressing a kiss to Chloe’s cheek.

Chloe’s eyes flit towards Beca again. “Beca, that song was – ” She doesn't finish the sentiment. Chloe’s eyes glisten suspiciously. Beca nervously looks to Emily and Stacie for help, but neither seems to want to offer any assistance. Instead, Chloe just clears her throat and tucks her hair behind her ears. "I should go," she says softly. She turns, half waving at Emily and Stacie as she goes.

Beca blinks back tears that she doesn’t expect.

 

* * *

 

_Beca’s decision to leave comes in fragments._

_She thinks of Chloe’s ridiculous work hours and how hard she’s working to impress other doctors and residents and animals or whatever._

_Then, she thinks of the late nights she spends working on producing music that she desperately wants to make available to the world. She thinks of Chloe’s support._

_The final straw ends up being that her boss connects her to somebody who’s working on an animated musical and wants her to help out with some of the original songs. In Los Angeles._

_She’s told it’s possible to work from New York, but Los Angeles would be ideal. Accessible._

_Then – Beca thinks of dreams. And finally taking things she deserves._

_So she does._

_Packing becomes marginally easier, especially since Chloe is barely home to notice that Beca’s clothes slowly go missing._

_The morning she plans to go – to leave – she wakes up at 3:00 a.m. so she can stare at Chloe for a couple hours. She memorizes the lines on her face, the shape of her lips, and commits everything to memory._

 

* * *

 

 **Emily (6:53 PM)  
** _I'm so sorry, Chloe._

 **Aubrey (7:01 PM) _  
_** _She's a lot more convincing than I thought. This is for your own good. I'm sorry._

Chloe's brow furrows at the messages. She can barely make sense of them, only having checked her phone approximately twenty minutes after receiving Aubrey's. She's about to message them back when there's a knock at her door.

She squints, checking the time. She figures it's not the take-out she ordered because while they're known for their efficiency, they haven't quite perfected teleportation.

When she opens her door, she nearly passes out from the shock of seeing Beca standing in front of her.

She gapes, unsure as to how Beca is actually standing in front of her. She's still barely recovering from encountering Beca at Aubrey's fundraiser.

She does what she did to Emily just a week ago. She slams the door.

"Chloe,  _please_ ," she hears from behind the door. She rests her head against it with a quiet thump and sucks in a breath when she hears a thump in reply from the other side.

It makes her angry then because Beca has no reason to feel despondent or sad or upset.

Or maybe she does - which makes Chloe even angrier because she doesn't know how they got into this situation.

She rips open the door.

"What do you  _want_?" she demands, eyes blazing.

Beca looks terrified. "I...I want to talk," she says and it's honest. Sincere. It makes Chloe want to throw up.

"Talk about what? Want to talk about the weather, Beca?"

"No, I-"

"You seemed to have a lot to say when you left that voicemail," Chloe goads. It's cruel, but she feels all the hurt ripping out of her. She needs to lash out of she feels like she might die. "Wasn't that enough?" she asks, her voice breaking. "Isn't it enough that you left? Why are you...why did you come back?"

"Chloe," Beca says, because what else can she say. "I'm sorry."

Chloe thinks that Beca looks as beautiful as she always has. Maybe a little slimmer. Definitely not taller. For all her optimism, Chloe doesn't know if she believes that she has forgiven and forgotten or that time had the potential to heal this wound. Staring at Beca who is actually physically there, she doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know how to behave because she spent so long wishing against hope that Beca would come back. 

And here she is.

Beca's hand is suddenly on her cheek, gentle and soft. It makes Chloe whimper and then they're moving towards each other. She catches the hope in Beca's eyes, knowing that it must be reflected in some form in her own, though she feels more fractured and broken than ever before.

“Chloe,” Beca says again. And it's reverent, reminiscent of a distant memory. Tucked away somewhere beneath the rubble. Chloe coughs up through the dust and lets herself breathe.

Hearing her name leave Beca's mouth makes her tremble and sink into the kiss. Beca's hands are tight on her waist and she tugs Beca into her apartment, using her toe to kick the door closed. It slams with finality, oppressive because Beca is  _there_. In her space. In her home.

Beca is home.

She doesn't know how the thought exactly manifests, but she bites on Beca's lower lip, tugging her impossibly closer. Beca sort of whimpers or whines into her mouth at the sensation, but her hands only become bolder and untuck Chloe's shirt from her slacks. 

"Beca," she manages to say in a strangled tone. It makes Beca shove her against the kitchen wall, eliciting deep moans from both their throats. She hasn't said her name in three years. Not like that. 

She thinks of the nightmares that escape her consciousness, the way the ghostly silhouettes haunt her waking moments. Nothing compares to having Beca back because it's simultaneous relief, comfort, and pain all at once. 

She tightens her grip on Beca's waist and hoists her up, Beca's legs falling naturally to cradle her hips.

Her body shudders at the onslaught of memory and she has to pull back because it makes her ache physically and emotionally. She lets Beca kind of slide off her, ignoring the how good the rumpled clothing looks on Beca's frame.

"I can't," she breathes. "I -"

 

* * *

 

_Chloe wakes up alone. When she doesn’t immediately touch the warm skin of Beca’s back, she opens her eyes slowly, confusion running through her._

_Empty._

_She’s suspicious but too tired at the moment to do anything about it. Beca never gets up early if she can help it. She tries to run through Beca’s daily schedule as she rolls out of bed._

_There’s no sign of Beca anywhere, except the mug of unfinished coffee which makes Chloe roll her eyes. She runs it under the sink. Beca is so messy, it’s astounding that such a small person can occupy so many areas at once._

_“Bec?” she calls out._

_Her eyes catch on a folded piece of paper pinned to the fridge by a sunshine magnet. It’s a song recommendation – ‘Beca’s Song of the Day’ – scrawled in Beca’s messy handwriting. Chloe’s heart swells with affection because it finally feels like things might be okay. She loves Beca’s little nerdy moments._

_The note reads: ‘Was just thinking of the very first time I shared a mash-up – Just a Dream x Just The Way You Are_. _I love you.’_

_She pins it back to the fridge, humming as she does so, a smile on her face._

_Chloe calls Aubrey in the evening, mildly concerned. “Have you heard from Beca today?_

_“That gremlin?” Aubrey asks, though it’s with affection. “No. Do we need to call missing persons?”_

_“No,” Chloe replies, laughing nervously. “Can you try calling her too?”_

_“Ugh, alright. Do you want me to yell at her for being irresponsible too?”_

_Later, when Chloe’s back from work, she hops into the shower with a nagging feeling at the back of her mind._

_She scrambles out of the shower when she hears the faint sound of her ringtone. She skids into the bedroom and picks up her phone clumsily. Her heart sinks when the display reads ‘Aubrey’ and not ‘Beca’._

_“Bree,” she says. Begs. She whirls trying to find a towel. Her eyes catch on the counter and she freezes even as Aubrey sighs over the line._

_“Chloe,” she says quietly. The tone barely registers because she’s realizing that Beca’s retainer is gone. And so is her preferred tube of toothpaste. And her toothbrush._

_“Chloe,” Aubrey repeats._

_“I’m here,” Chloe says faintly. She turns slowly, walking towards the closet._

_“I managed to get a hold of Beca.”_

_Chloe doesn’t answer because she’s looking at a lot of empty spaces._

_“Did you hear me?”_

_There’s a shrill sound rushing over her ears. She walks slowly towards their linen closet._

_“I heard,” Chloe says faintly. She turns the knob hesitantly like she’s afraid something is going to jump out at her. Though she'd rather have that because she notices that one of Beca's duffel bags is gone as well as a suitcase._

_“Chloe,” Aubrey sighs. “It’s…”_

_Chloe hangs up._

_She rushes into the spare bedroom – Beca’s home office, so to speak. She thinks of days spent with her arms draped over Beca’s shoulders, watching her work on a mix or working on producing something for a shitty musical client or just working on something completely creative._

_She thinks of the sunshine streaming across Beca’s face and the furrow of her brow. She thinks of the little specks of dust that float through the air, probably now prominent as they occupy the spaces that Beca has left behind._

_Because that’s what has happened, Chloe thinks faintly when she sees Beca’s soundboard is missing. Beca’s headphones. The comfortable sweater she normally has draped over her chair._

_Beca has left._

_Aubrey calls back, but Chloe doesn’t bother picking up._

_She knows._

_In the end, she gets one voicemail from Beca’s number._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_When she calls back a couple days later, when she’s managed to listen to it for the hundredth time without falling apart, the number is disconnected._

 

* * *

 

Chloe removes herself from Beca's grasp and pants quietly. She shakes her head, trying to rid herself of all the conflicting images. She walks back to the kitchen and sinks down behind her island, staring at the blissfully blank wall.

“Chloe?”

Beca’s voice is thick, like she’s still on the verge of tears, though Chloe’s pretty sure they’ve cried enough for a few months.

She hums in response and it's hoarse, making her recognize that her voice doesn't sound any better. She shifts her line of sight to take in Beca’s small frame. She has to look away because she sees a storm of emotions in Beca's eyes as Beca slides down the opposite wall hesitantly like she's afraid Chloe will be spooked.

“Do you remember the day you asked to move in?”

Chloe swallows. She remembers  _everything_. “Which time?”

Beca is silent for a moment and when Chloe looks back at her, she has her head tilted back, brow furrowed as if she’s lost in a memory.

“The first time. Over the summer, when you were doing that internship.” Beca’s eyes open and lock onto Chloe. It makes her alert. “I was so nervous,” she whispers.

“Beca,” Chloe says abruptly, shaking her head.

She remembers Beca sitting in that tiny Skype frame and staring wide-eyed at her. Sitting in her New York City apartment while Chloe sat five hours away in her tiny dorm. Yet, she remembers feeling weightless because Beca had smiled and her eyes had shone. Chloe wonders if she should have known – should have been hesitant to throw herself into Beca’s orbit, but it’s all she’s ever known and probably will ever know.

Chloe swallows hard and chokes out a quick, quiet, “Why?”

Beca’s lips twitch. Not quite a smile, but it’s an attempt. “You were – are - my best friend.”

Chloe shifts and rests her chin on her knee. Her kitchen feels oppressive. It was never meant to hold Beca. Just her. “But – what?” she says quickly, breath struggling to make its way to her lungs. “But what does that have to do with anything?” 

"Do you regret it?" Beca asks, leaning back against the wall while Chloe rests her back against the kitchen island. 

Chloe regrets a lot of things. "You're going to have to be way more specific than that, Bec."

The nickname slips out and she barely stifles the sharp inhale that follows. It has an effect on Beca too because she's curling her hands tighter on her forearms - tight enough to turn her knuckles white. "I...do you regret holding on to your feelings for me? All those years ago?" She chews her lip and the  _"what about now?_ _"_ goes unspoken, but not unheard.

Chloe's not sure what Beca wants her to say. She has never regretted anything about Beca Mitchell because she's always been too helpless to be able to do anything about it. She's been captive since Beca first lazily strolled into her line of sight at the activities fair. She was helpless when Beca kissed her amidst all her boxes in her tiny apartment in Ithaca. She was helpless, hearing about Beca's break-up with Jesse. She was helpless five minutes ago when Beca had her pressed against the counter and they were kissing for the first time in years (it felt like no time passed at all).

"No, of course not," she manages to choke out. She doesn't want to look at Beca, doesn't want to look at whatever hope is on her face because it's going to rattle the dust in her lungs. She already feels like she can barely breathe. She rubs at her face. "I...I have a lot of work to do, Beca. Please - do you ... can you please leave?"

"Oh," Beca says quietly. "I...Chloe, I want to-"

"If I gave you one minute, would you be able to get everything you wanted to say off your chest?" Chloe asks, unable to help the twinges of hurt and anger seep into her voice. She stands up, dusting her hands off and considers helping Beca off the ground, but Beca's already scrambling to stand up as well. "Why don't you just leave a voicemail?" 

"Chlo..."

"I can't, Beca." She wants to scream or pull her hair or cry - anything to release the pain. "Get out,  _please_." 

Beca brushes off her jeans, straightens her shirt. “I’ll go,” she acquiesces.

To get to the door from the kitchen is quick. Chloe grips the edge of the counter and squeezes her eyes shut because everything reminds her that Beca is leaving, Beca has left, Beca will leave again.

Beca hovers awkwardly at her periphery, jacket in one hand, doorknob in the other. “What…where do we go? From here? What...I don't know what to say,” she says and the desperate twinge echoes inside Chloe's mind.

Chloe wants to laugh because, often, Beca knows exactly what to say. “Ditto,” she says quietly.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but um…I guess, call Emily more. And – and Amy? But mainly Emily. She didn’t…she didn’t do anything. Not really. It’s not my place and I totally get that. But…I feel like you miss them. And they miss you.”

Chloe nods at that. She misses Legacy so much. Thinks about her from time to time. She misses when things were simpler. Easier.

Beca twists the doorknob and the sound echoes around Chloe, making her wince. “Maybe I’ll…call?” Beca questions, like she’s unsure.

Chloe doesn’t say anything until Beca leaves and she’s blissfully alone.

She envisions a tornado of dust by her door. “Maybe,” she says softly and allows herself to cry again.

 

* * *

  _I'd give anything to hear  
_ _You say it one more time_

* * *

 

Beca does attempt to call. At least once a day for the next week and a half. Chloe lets them go to voicemail, then deletes them every couple of days.

Then, on Thursday, Chloe makes the mistake of answering a call from Aubrey who insists that they go out for drinks with other Bellas because she can't recall the last time they were all in the same city. Chloe groans and begs and whines, but Aubrey wears her down, like she always has.

Which is how Chloe finds herself standing outside the bar, picking off imaginary pieces of lint from her jacket and feeling like a complete square because she's still wearing her lecturing heels.

"You came!" a voice chirps in her ear. It's Stacie, closely followed by Emily who half-smiles at Chloe.

"I was coerced," Chloe mumbles, allowing Stacie to essentially frogmarch her into the bar.

It's fairly easy to spot the Bellas because Fat Amy is slamming back a shot while Aubrey and Beca watch on amusedly. Chloe is surprised to see Flo as well because she recalled that Flo was out of the state.

"Hey," she greets Flo first with a hug. "What are you doing here?"

"Cousin's wedding," Flo says in explanation. She smiles up at Chloe. "Long time no see, huh?"

And Chloe realizes just how much she's missed these girls. It had hurt, being reminded of Beca, but it hurt more being away from her family. With that in mind, she lets Aubrey buy her a drink and she lets Stacie and Fat Amy grill her about her job and about cute animals she's seen.

As the night goes on, she becomes more aware of Beca's eyes on her. It's relentless and makes her squirm in her seat. She checks the time and uses the opportunity to leave, claiming an early start to her day amidst boos from her friends.

She leaves, giving Aubrey a quick hug and smiles at everybody, though she averts her gaze when she turns to Beca.

When she steps out into the cool night air, she lingers, because she just  _knows_. She knows, like the back of her hand -

"You ignored my calls," Beca states, bursting out behind her.

Chloe doesn't dignify that with a response. Instead, she turns on her heel to face Beca down. Beca shrinks, terrified momentarily, but then Chloe's reaching for her and Beca's reaching back and they're kissing like the past three years never happened. Instead, Chloe sinks into the kiss, recalling the way Beca had shoved her against her kitchen counter just a week ago. She trembles a little, letting the waves of emotion and arousal just wash over her. She thinks of Beca's eyes, darker in the dim lighting of the bar; she thinks of how they had fixated on her - how they grabbed at her and refused to let go.

She stumbles back. "No," she whispers.

Beca steps forward again hesitantly but doesn't make any more moves. She's out of moves.

Chloe turns and runs.

On Friday, Chloe is packing up her notes from her guest lecture at NYU. She thinks she likes New York University's campus more than Columbia's because it feels more comfortable. Less confined, which makes her take pause at the thought. She shakes her head, trying to banish thoughts of open spaces and standing in new apartments and figuring out what she wants to do with the rest of her life.

"Hey," a voice chimes from the lecture hall entrance.

She whirls, dropping her folder. It's Beca, hands shoved into her pockets. Chloe hates that she looks so good for a casual spring afternoon.

"Are you stalking me," she deadpans, turning back to erase the whiteboard. She can hear the murmurs of the last few student stragglers. Beca's pretty recognizable now, so she struggles to keep her tone even and demeanour calm. 

"I'm sorry. Aubrey...Aubrey told me where you were today when you weren't at your usual workplace. Well, she kind of yelled at me, then told me."

Chloe makes a mental note to punch Aubrey in the face.

"This is my place of work, Beca," she hisses, keeping an eye out for remaining students. She notes that they're blissfully alone before it registers that they're  _alone_. "I...Beca, what do you want from me?" 

"You're avoiding me," Beca says.

Chloe rolls her eyes. "How did you figure that out?"

"Chloe, last night -"

"-Was a mistake. I shouldn't have kissed you." She clicks the snap on her purse and picks up her satchel. "We were drunk," she says flatly.

"I was not drunk and neither were you," Beca says hotly. She steps into Chloe's line of sight and Chloe can see the clear fatigue in Beca's face, the red in her eyes.

"Why are you so insistent?" Chloe demands. "What's in it for you?"

"I just want to sit down and talk. Again. That's what friends do, right?"

It's a low blow. "We talked the other day."

"That was a week and a half ago."

"We talked last night," Chloe tries again, desperately.

Beca's lips twitch. "I wouldn't consider that talking."

Chloe _seethes._ She can't believe Beca has the nerve to  _flirt_ with her while she's trying to hold on to some of her anger and frustration. To her credit, Beca looks immediately contrite after that and shakes her head like she can't believe she said that.

"I'm leaving," Chloe declares. "I have work to do."

"I'm really proud of you, you know." It comes from behind her, quietly. It's soft-spoken and loving and everything that Chloe has craved over the past three years. 

She pauses, just breathing in the fact that once again she and Beca are in the same space.

"I...I'm proud of you too," Chloe replies. And she means it.

She can't turn to look at Beca, but she feels her gaze on her back. It hits her in her desperate attempts at a rebuilt foundation and she crumbles all over again.

 

* * *

 

The thing is, it's more than being proud of Beca. She is so desperately in love with that woman that it feels like she's physically dying every time she walks away. Every time Beca walks away.

She has loved Beca for so long and she knows that Beca loves her.

The wounds have never truly healed, however, but Chloe is all about expediting the process. She feels herself withering away with every day that she spends unhappy and this gift - this gift of Beca being  _there_ and willing to  _stay_ \- has suddenly dropped into her lap.

Biting her lip, she types Beca's name into the search bar.

She recalls watching it on television, but seeing it again makes her think of everything they never got to share.

 

* * *

 

 

_"And the Academy Award for Best Original Song goes to Beca Mitchell for "The Whisperer" from the movie adaptation of -"_

_Chloe thinks she hears Aubrey's sharp inhale from next to her, but her eyes are focused on Beca - Beca who is on the verge of tears on national television and standing up shakily to accept her award._

_She looks so poised, like she belongs on that stage, amongst her contemporaries. Chloe is crying before Beca can even start speaking._

_"Holy crap," Beca says, to laughter and applause. "I - is this real?" She weighs the award in her hand. "I guess it is!" There's a spark in Beca's eye that Chloe loves. "When I first came onto this project, I had no idea what I was in for. I had barely written music before, let alone written a soundtrack. But thanks to Steven Golding for believing in me and all the people at Sony Records and Sony Pictures for giving me the support I needed. I have...had such a wild ride. This is truly such an amazing honour and I'm glad to share it with..." She pauses, eyes roaming the crowd. Searching. "Share it with all of you," she finishes. Beca inhales, staring straight at the camera. Chloe can barely see through her tears._

_"Thank you to everybody who ever believed in me. I just...thank you so much."_

_And she blows a kiss._

_Chloe collapses into Aubrey's arms_.

 

* * *

 

 

She rewatches Beca's acceptance speech at the Academy Awards approximately ten times. Then, she watches interviews and snippets of Beca's rise to fame. She traces Beca's face with her finger, letting the coolness of her laptop screen jolt her back into reality. It feels numb now. Less painful. More like resignation. Pride. Everything swirls beneath the surface. She can control it.

She reaches for her phone, battling back ragged breaths as she does so.

She's ready.

 **Chloe (4:52 AM)**  
_Hey. Can we meet?_

The instant response stuns her briefly because she figured Beca would be sleeping.

 **Beca (4:52 AM)** _**  
** Of course. When?_

 **Chloe (4:55 AM)  
** _Breakfast? 7:00? Meet me at Andrew's._

 **Beca (4:55 AM)  
** _OK._

Chloe flops back into bed, shoving her laptop aside. She gazes up at the ceiling, staring at the nondescript white. She imagines the swirls of dust that the sunlight will bring and lets her eyes close for some rest at long last.

 

* * *

 

When she meets Beca, she suggests they just grab something before sitting down for breakfast. Beca looks around in confusion, but nods. Chloe takes them on the short walk to the storage units building.

It's honestly a beautiful morning, albeit a bit earlier than she'd like on a Saturday.

Beca's confusion continues as Chloe leads her down the aisles. She stops in front of a nondescript blue unit.

"Here," she whispers. Beca says nothing.

The dust flies as she lets the door slide up.

She feels Beca inhale next to her and does her best not to turn, because this is as much exorcizing her own demons as it is closure for both of them. She know if she turns to look at Beca, she’ll crumble and cry. But she can’t – not yet.

“This is…” Chloe breathes heavily and tries to ground herself. She flexes her fingers and struggles not to reach out and hold Beca’s hand. Her eyes settle on the ugly lampshade that she had goaded Beca into buying from the flea market all those years ago. She steps inside, flicking on the light. It illuminates the space, making everything seem less terrifying and much smaller than it is.

But to Chloe, this was her whole life. She remembers every piece of furniture she moved in here, like ripping out individual stitches from a wound that would probably never heal.

“This is all our stuff,” Beca says faintly. Her voice wavers, but she steps bravely into the space with Chloe and the memories flood back unforgivingly. “Why did…how?”

“When…when I kind of realized you weren’t coming back, I just didn’t know what to do.” Chloe runs the tip of her finger over the worn fabric of their couch. “I thought that I’d just come back one day and you’d be there. It was all I ever did. I’d think you’d just be sitting there on the couch, a smile on your face and a glass of water in your hand. No coaster on the table of course,” she adds, unable to help the smile that crosses her face when she hears Beca’s shaky laugh. “I…when I realized you really weren’t going to come back anytime soon –“

“Chloe, I’m so –“

“- No, please, I have to…” Chloe shoves her fingers into the pockets of her jacket. “Please let me finish,” she whispers. When Beca doesn’t say anything, just shifts a little closer, she takes another breath. “When you didn’t come back, I … I knew I had to leave. So, I moved everything in here and just…sold the apartment. I lived with Aubrey for a while to save some money and then…” she shrugs, turning to face Beca finally. 

“Why did you keep everything?” Beca asks. Her eyes are rimmed with red and she’s hastily swiping at the tears that keep falling down her face. Chloe figures she doesn’t look any better herself, but she doesn’t know if she’s stopped feeling like shit for the past four years long enough to care anymore.

Standing there with Beca though – even after the previous night – she feels suddenly like she’s on that fire escape, kissing Beca and asking her for a chance. “I kept everything because I thought…one day you’d come back.” She forces herself to look at Beca; to take in all the lines of Beca’s face that have changed and developed. “I hoped,” she says softly. “So I kept everything so you’d have some semblance of home to come back to.”

Beca is crying freely and openly now and it takes Chloe every last ounce of strength she has left to not do anything, but it withers away because she’s tired of fighting for every breath she takes. She steps forward and Beca moves automatically as well.

They’re hugging amidst the memories of the past, letting the ghosts echo around them. Beca cries softly into Chloe’s shoulder and she lets herself bury her nose into Beca’s hair.

Beca takes a shuddering breath and leans back after a moment in Chloe’s arms. She catches Chloe’s eyes momentarily taking pause in the emotion she finds there. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

Chloe gives in.

She lifts her hand to thumb away a tear before she slides her fingers down Beca’s cheek. “I want to try again,” Chloe says. “You're here. Finally. Start over?”

“Well – I have…” Beca looks around. “What are you going to do with all this stuff? Are you -” She runs her fingers through her hair nervously, though she looks the most hopeful and vibrant that Chloe can recall seeing her over the past few weeks. "Are you going to keep this stuff? Do we need to go through everything?"

Chloe can't help the smile because seeing Beca lose control of her words and stumble nervously has always made her heart sing. "Beca," she says quietly. "I was just...Let's work on one thing at a time _,"_ Chloe suggests, déjà vu creeping through her. "How about coffee and breakfast?”

Beca clears her throat at that, nodding slowly. “I could do coffee. Cool,” she says, going for nonchalance even though her cheeks are flushed and there are still lines of tears on her face.

And it's so completely Beca that Chloe doesn't bother restraining herself anymore. She dips her head and presses a kiss to Beca's lips - Beca who welcomes her wholeheartedly. She sinks into the embrace, finally feeling something akin to a breeze fluttering over her and moving the blinds so she can face the light again. She's not scared.

Time can never move backwards – not really. However, there are new beginnings and finally breathing in fresh air.

Chloe doesn’t watch the dust as it settles behind her. The lock clicks shut and she slips her hand into Beca’s as they face the sunlight.


End file.
